Why am I such a screw up, I cant get anything right… It seems in so many moments in my life im proving to those people that would always put me down …. right. I always hear their voices in my head putting me down every time I make a mistake. Most of the time I ignore them and don’t let those voices crutch me and make me believe that im not worth anything and that I can never do anything right. To be honest with myself, I really don’t know the truth anymore. I fight like hell everyday and try to keep my emotions in check, my head held high and be as strong and as encouraging as possible for my Dad. But of course its never enough. I do have to admit that im not doing my best when it comes to my endless responsibilities on my job. And most of it is not hard, but it’s the easiest to forget especially when your always on the move and rushing. Then again its not always easy doing work that you don’t like just to help out a friend and a father, when you know you want to be doing something else and be somewhere else, like school. As silly as this sounds since a lot of people hate going to school, I dream about it almost every night. ( i feel like this towards school cause going to school is not an option for me but survival is..i use to be homeschooled but then things went horribly wrong finacial problems broke everything up and we have been on survival mode ever since, and the only thing i can do is help my dad and work my way out of the mess as a victum of circumstances and other peoples mistakes.) It haunts me. That’s why I read my fantasy books so I can imagine that im in school. It makes me happy and gives me some kind of fulfillment and in a way it’s a source of therapy and they always give me hope. But in the end I envy everyone of the characters I read about. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about going to school or learning something but everyday its around the clock work no free time which i willingly sacrifised for my dad in fact im writing this and working at the same time. Ever since I was a kid I was always told im not capable, and for a while I believed them, then I realized who are they to tell me what im capable of cause they aint got a dam clue what I can do. Once I realized that, something inside me ignited, a fire, to prove them wrong and be the best that I can be. One thing I do know is if I keep screwing up with the simple things and don’t make things right and keep it that way then that fire within me is going to burn out. Right now im at a point of hatred for myself cause I lack the skills to keep up with a job that is so simple. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Im always there for everyone when they cry out for help, but no one is there for me in return who do I look to when I cry for help. I feel so broken down so pathetic. I hate feeling like this .. So ashamed .. Feeling like a self pity basket case.
Posted in Disaster Preparation
Tagged circumstances, clock work, crutch, dad, emotions, fantasy books, free time, fulfillment, Hell, job, mistake, screw, survival mode, those voices, Truth, victum, voices in my head
